Minding my own business making a beat
I found a jazz sample, and thought it was heat
But to my surprise, guess who I saw
Shouting ho ho ho, twas Santa Claus
He ripped off the frame, and he looked rather ill
His face was green like his guts would spill
He dropped his bag, and said, “You wouldn’t believe!
The elves at the shop want a living wage from me!
“And Missus Claus is acting hot and bothered!
It’s like she’s our teenage daughter!”
I said, “Santa, pull yourself together.
“We all know that your tougher than leather
“The kids across the globe are counting on you.
There’s toys in the bag, now whatcha gonna do?”
He looks at me as though he was drunk
And by the smell of his breath I knew he was, too
He starts balling, crying, and throwing a fit
I said, “Your acting like a baby, so stop losing your----“
The mitts he handed me, said they had power
That would last through the entire night’s hours
“Would you take the toys to the kids,” he said
“I don’t believe in you!” but then he dropped dead
My neighbor started knocking at my door
He yells, “I’m gonna call the cops if I hear anymore!”
So, I looked in Santa’s bag, and found what I sought
I took a paintball gun, and I primed it for a shot
The neighbor started darting, as soon as it hit his heals
I say, “I thought I was dreaming, but this feels real”
So, I’m looking at the sleigh and the reindeer on the roof
I did a couple stretches to get myself loose
I lept to the gutter and hauled myself up
Took the reigns in my hands, and said, “That’s whattsup!”
I looked at the list sitting right there on the floor
And said, “These rich kids don’t get jack no more!”
The reindeer started stirring, it was a bit disconcerting
They dashed into the sky, while I kept them from swerving
Twenty hours or more I was up in the sky
It was like I was Jay Z driving down I-95
But, two turntables and a microphone
Was what I dropped off at every home
The elf patrol was out on the loose
And they had uncovered the mystery of my ruse
And I’m whipping the reigns more than Willow Smith’s hair
To someplace where I can escape their electric chair
I’m throwing stink bombs, M-80s and whatever I can find
Because the elves are nearing up right behind
Then I cried, “Rudolph, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
He said, “Sure, Motherfucker, if the price is right.”
I said, “Whatever, you want. Just get me back home
Don’t make me chop your head like a Corleon”
He turned the sled up straight, and I was wailed, “Goodnight, Moooon!”
Toys started dropping and bolts started popping
I thought my death was soon.
In the cargo bay, I found a parachute
Grabbed it like I had stole Fort Knox’s loot.
Jumped over the side, and counted to thirty
They said the way I was yelling, I sounded like Ol’ Dirty
Finally pulled the ripchord
Looking, down from the sky I got a grand tour
On this trip, I saw the blue planet
And how small my perception of the world